Battle of Two Minds

I am the problem you ignore
I will not go away
I am with you wherever you go
You cannot escape me
I have stayed quiet long enough
I will not be silent any more
I've been starving for your attention
You've been starving for my approval
I'm sick of being ignored by you
I need you to acknowledge me
I will break you apart if you don't set me free
You are stronger than all this I know
I may be out of sight to you, but
I am never off your mind
I have become the reflection you see in the mirror
You can't get through a day without me

You have altered my thoughts from good to worse
You alter my perception of self and beauty
You are in everything I see
I need to get over you
You break down walls built to keep you out
You pester me, begging for me to notice
You don't understand my reasonings for ignoring you
I will withstand the tests on my strength
You've done a good job of playing the silent game
You choose the most opportune moments to speak up
You know how to push me to starve myself
I am only starving to be rid of you
You don't know what a mess you've made
You've continued to silently scream over all the noise
You've set up camp and are refusing to budge
I must escape, or perish in the attempt

December 30, 2006

Reply Pending

She is the girl who could always look you in the eye
a huge smile to greet the strangers and friends alike
Her eyes are merry and laugh lines present themselves with each burst of mirth
A flawless face is only a facade
concealing the storm, raging beneath those sparkling eyes
They sparkle like diamonds
and have become as cold as the precious stone
the process of heat and pressure formed these beautiful eyes
A vow to be strong has hardened her heart
not willing to be hurt again,
she's made herself to be without fault
and invisible
The shame and pain haunts her eyes every time she looks in the mirror
Dearest Daughter, there is no need to fear
My grace and love are sufficient
He can no longer hurt you
You are mine.
This promise has been heard many times
the reply?
Pending.

December 29, 2006

A Beauty to Unveil

As women we go through life
layering clothes, make-up, and jewels
trying to define our beauty
We'll try nearly anything we can find
in order to find our own beauty
We diet and exercise, not just to be healthy
but to obtain the near impossible
"perfect figure"

Where did this hunger for beauty come from?
It comes from God, the creator and true definition of beauty
Yet, we hide behind the accessories
thinking outer beauty is most important
what we're unconsciously doing is covering up our inner beauty
With every attempt at achieving worldly beauty,
we cover up the beauty God gave us

We've styled, surgically "enhanced", and made ourselves sick
all for beauty's sake
Women want to feel and be beautiful
what we don't realize is we've only managed to hide our beauty
underneath the world's standards of what beauty is

May we find the confidence, esteem and courage
to find a beauty to unveil
A beauty within ourselves, placed by God
and of the essence of God
Let us put an end to the purging, prostitution and plasticity
of the world's skewed beauty
This is a prayer, that someday
we may all find ourselves, and others, truly
captivating

December 27, 2006
needs work

Story of Five Years

Five years, a day
the memory still won't fade away
Your words and actions caused me pain
wisdom, strength and hope was my gain
We sang happy birthday to the King
while my spirit received a broken wing

Time continued to go by
each year I tried in vain to fly
My broken wing had not begun to mend
I lost in you that day a friend
Our relationship, to never be the same
my father by station, no longer by name

This is not the end of our two part tale
I've kept holding the hand of He who paid my bail
It always comes down to the payer of my debt
for he reminds me the story isn't over yet
We've both got many years ahead of us
please, try and not cause a fuss

A lot of growth in these five years
dreams of what could have been, made with tears
My wish for you should come with ease
find something in me in which you please
Don't break me again, instead build
with my love your days will be filled

December 26, 2006

Come Let Us Adore Him

Come to the manger
see the little baby
Three wise men bring him gifts
gold, frankincense, and myrrh
Shepherds come to worship
bringing lambs from the hills
See his parent's beaming pride
their gift is from and of the Father
Hear the herald angels sing
telling the world of their new joy
Today is much more than just a birth day
it is the remembrance of a promise of salvation
Let us go once more to the manger
leave behind our sorrows and our fears
Love was born into a world in turmoil
hope rose with one who died that we may live

December 24, 2006

Treasured Heart

Its not quiet as pretty as the other presents under the tree
Not as big, brightly wrapped or neatly marked
It doesn't stand out like the rest
But this gift is special
and makes up for lack of creative packaging
This gift has been waiting to be opened
Anticipating its unveiling since it's arrival
All the gifts have been unwrapped
except for this one
He picks it up and turns it with care
searching for a sign of the recipient
"For You" is all that he finds
Puzzled, but curious, he begins to unwrap the small gift
A heart is inside, with depth like the ocean
He takes it in his hands and feels the pulse
"You've found it; my most precious gift
It is yours to keep, deal with it wisely
A treasure so rare won't be found easily twice."

December 23, 2006

The Devil's Paintbrush

An urge sweeps over me
one I've grown accustomed to
yet have been able to quiet from time to time
There have been times when its overpowered me
and times that followed with regret
I marvel at its strength now
it comes at the darkest, lowest moments
knowing my weaknesses
and feeding off them
Go on, dig in! it cries with sinister screams
Paint a picture, make it red
with darker hues of crimson and scarlet
You found me here,
now take me up in to your arms
and I will set you free!
Too true do I know of the release you bring
it last but a fleeting moment and then is gone
leaving me worse off than before
You'd think I'd be stronger
now that I know
that I would ignore your deceptive attraction
The balances are wavering
indecision rests in my hands
the battle of the mind grows tense
There is nothing to gain if you win
only long term pain, nothing short term in the contract
After the paint dries, the canvas remains marred
giving me a daily reminder of your demonic handiwork
Pain, pain go away!
I know you'll come back another day
I bid you, leave me now
take your tools of torture with you
you've done your job
be satisfied with the price I paid

December 23, 2006

To mark a battle won

Colours of the Season

Snow transforms the world to white
emphasizing premature streaks of gray
running through my hair

Jolly red Santas in malls across the country
an emblem of materialistic hope
to those who still "believe"

Green spruce trees brighten windows
these providers of oxygen
cut down and gaudily humiliated

These are the colours of the season
hairs of gray, white hot rage
bright red packages
financed by green greed

Is this what we have become?
Visions of sugar plum and mp3s
replacing a holy night
and promise of a saviour

I'm sick of looking forward
only to the prospects of more "stuff"
and dreading time with family
fearing a crack that will break us apart

Black is the colour of my season
laced with shades of gray
where a feeble attempt at hope
breaks through

December 22, 2006

Fire Flint Steel

Be careful!
there's danger all around
this room is full of dynamite and gunpowder
little sparks ignite, but die in the wind
failing to set off the charge
still they take their toll
on the flint which was struck
perhaps the next strike will catch
and hold on to more than the wind
flint and steel create friction
waking up the little sparks
the beginning of their lives
will bring an end to more than one other
if these tools are placed in the wrong hands
hands experienced in pyrotechniques
all could be lost
but, with hands who know how to build a fire
one which will bring warmth and comfort
the weapons of destruction will be put out of commission
left to grow cold and useless
untouched by the spark's heat
can you be trusted with this fragile flint
or be the steel to bring destruction?

December 20, 2006

Light Of Hope

The ink has dried upon the page,
leaving a reminder of moments past
Moments filled with emotions expressively
hidden

Words meant to be an outlet
have become rungs to a descending ladder
The higher rungs are broken,
leaving down as the only option

Light still dimly shines from above
another reminder of brighter times
It is because that light still shines
that hope has not been lost

December 20, 2006

My Friend Ana

Hello, I'd like you to meet my friend Ana
Isn't she beautiful?
I want to be just like her.
People tell me she's not very nice,
but we've become so close, its hard to leave her
Besides, when I'm with her, I feel beautiful
most of the time.
I must admit, she can be nasty
Everytime she talks about her sister Mia,
I get a bad taste in my mouth
I wish they weren't related.
Ana went away for awhile,
I started to miss her
She came back and said I'd let myself go.
We worked out together,
I think we've grown closer too!
Its so hard to look like her,
but I keep trying.
I don't want her to ever leave me,
but deep down I know
she's killing me.

December 17, 2006

Joy This Year

Will there be joy this year
as we celebrate the birth of our Lord?
The things I want this year
can't be bought, boxed or wrapped.
Will the cycle of abuse and hate end this year
or will I ask this question again?
I look at the progress made this year
it seems I've taken one step forward and five back.
Christmas will just be another day this year
all the magic an excitement died years ago.
Will we see the return of the King this year
and will there be joy?

December 17,2006

"Just Jokes"

Everything is a joke to you isn't it?
I wonder if you'll ever realize it's not funny?
You're the only one laughing
Why do you try so hard to irritate us?
If all you want is to "get a rise" out of us,
that's all you're going to get
So don't get angry when we tell you it's not funny

How 'bout I tell you a joke for once
It may seem short but it's powerful
Do you want to hear it? Will you listen?
A dictator once tried to be a father
Forgetting to leave his work at the office,
he caused a civil war within his own home
He lost his family
but was happy with the "wealth" of power he'd gained
Too bad, he lost that too

I guess that wasn't a very funny joke
I just thought it'd be one you'd understand
What you don't realize is
there's only room for one Peter Pan in my life
Grow up, you're not him.

December 17, 2006

Calm Waters, Steaming Rage

Look on the surface and you'll see
calm waters, clear as glass
Lying just beneath is danger
cold anger, boiling red rage
Lying to myself has become natural
calculating emotions, filling glass bottles

A rock drops in the water
sending ripples, upsetting the calm
Anger rises to the surface
steaming rage spills, burning victims
After shocks shake my foundation
shattering the glass, loosing emotions

December 16, 2006

First poem written with Calligraphy set

God Sends a Rainbow

God promises to send a rainbow after the storm
There are soggy spots in life,
some where there's sun showers,
with millions of rainbows
Other times the rains come down hard
It is the torrential rains that make the rainbow more beautiful
We must remember that God made a covenant with the earth
The rains cannot destroy us
Hold on and wait for the rainbow

December 13, 2006

Ode To Band Pants

45 legs all clad in the same color
or, the very absence of color
I didn't know that there were so many
shades of black

December 12, 2006

When I'm Alone

You
hear me sing myself to sleep
listening as each tear hits the pillow
You comfort me
when no one is around

You
sort through my racing thoughts
understanding each longing for true love
You know me
when no one is around

You
take interest in my questions
patiently dealing with my requests
You answer me
when no one is around

You
calm the fears that come at night
holding me in your arms until I feel safe
You reassure me
when no one is around

You
always have time for me
promising your love will never run out on me
I praise You
when no one is around

December 12, 2006

Masquerade

Who will I be next?
Throw on a mask, some hairpins, a flowing dress
I'm a famous prima donna

And after that?
Put on a house dress, an apron, hold a baby
I'm house wife

Can you picture me now?
A uniform, a stethoscope, a clipboard
I'm a nurse to the needy

Shall we change the stage?
A rocking chair, cozy slippers, a good book
I'm an old lady, remebering my youth

Some of these characters will come alive
Some are only dreams
I ask you this,
Who am I this time?

December 12,2006

Sun and Snow

I stepped outside and blinked at the blinding sun
its blazing rays reflecting off the crystalized snow
Grumbling and squinting against the brightness,
I asked God, "Why is the sun so bright?
And why does the snow reflect it so well?"
Before I could barely take another step
a reply echoed deep within
"I made the snow white and pure
so it would be a reflection of my Son."
"Thank you Pappa God for reminding me
that you've removed my stains.
Help me to reflect your Light."

December 11, 2006

A Town Called Perfect

In Perfect
the lawns are always green
the trees always show off their foliage

In Perfect
everyone knows everyone else
and arguments are solved with apple pie

In Perfect
the cars emit no harmful gasses
paper and plastics are recycled religiously

In Perfect
well, everything is perfect you see
there is no war, famine or sickness

In Perfect
I used to be happy
until I found it was anything but perfect

In Perfect
the people would never let on
but they too know they live

Imperfect

December 10, 2006

World Away

You're a world away
and all I want is to have you here
holding me in your arms
Even when the distance separates us
and all we have is a screen
you bring life back to my dreams
Say you'll always love me
and be with me forever
and I'd believe you
when in my heart I know it can't be
So I bid you good night
knowing you don't see the tears
and that we'll meet again
in my dreams
a world away

December 10, 2006

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Can you hear it?
It's such a beautiful sound
like nothing I've ever heard before!

Hear what?
I don't hear anything.

The bells!
The Christmas bells
they're ringing through the whole town!

Can you see it?
It may seem to last only a short while
but it's well worth the wait.

See what?
I don't see anything.

The cheer!
The Christmas cheer
it brightens every soul around!

Can you feel it?
It can't be contained by boxes
but everyone knows how to give and recieve it.

Feel what?
I can't feel anything.

The love!
The Christmas love
you must learn to give it without strings attached.

I can't hear the bells
only the bustle of traffic and frantic shoppers.

I can't see the cheer
all I see is commercialism and the ones forgotten.

I can't feel the love
for to love is to trust and mine's been broken.

December 9, 2006

Broken Silence

Hello cold silence
how are you this evening?
I see you've got nothing to say for yourself
so I will try and fill the void
I turn my music up and let it randomly play
I can hear the furnace bringing heat
Still nothing?
What is it that you try so hard to hide?
I'm sorry to intrude with clicking keys and melodies
but I'd like to talk to you
Are you there?
We used to get along so well
do you remember?
I do.
Now it seems that if left to ourselves for too long,
we'll spontaneously combust.
I hope the music is comforting, it helps me sometimes
Pardon me while I change the tune
What's that?
Yes, I remember, although I'd hoped you wouldn't bring that up again
It was a hard night for you too?
Then why didn't you speak up and rescue me?
I know I wasn't listening, but you could've tried harder
all I needed was for you to be there with me
to cry and scream together
I'm sorry silence,
I shouldn't have disturbed you
I didn't mean to break you.

December 8, 2006

I Am...

I am the tallest and youngest in an expanding family
Auntie Jo, delighting in smiles, kisses and hugs
I am eager to see the places of my ancestors
A shopaholic searching for the best bargainsI am sarcastic and humorous when around my friends
I am a friend, encourager and advisor to my peers

I am a fighter against the enemy, depression
A survivor of dark times and lonely nights
I am a disciple of Christ, sharing my testimony with others
A role model to campers from Bethel Gospel Camp
I am a dreamer of far off places
I am awed by God’s beauty that He created for my pleasure and praise

I am a seeker of knowledge and wisdom
Eccentric and unafraid to stand out
I am an actress looking for her name in lights
A singer and artist finding inspiration in unexpected places
I am a defender of those in trouble
I am a dancer when no one is watching

Fall 2003

Concrete Poem (in the shape of a cross)

One man
three nails
one tomb
three days
his blood
covered all
his death
brought life
virgin birth, criminal’s death
Son of God
Emmanuel, preparing a place
coming King

October 7, 2005

Poetic Mathematics

8 to get you started
16 packed in neat boxes
3 or four strays
2 tunes without notes
39 and counting to commemorate a year

My work reduced to numbers
and amounts of Kilobytes
There are pieces for almost every month
mostly they find themselves in autumn and winter's grip
Each season of year and life has been poured out
for the interest and criticism of others
There's been creations for when Creation has passed
made for the remembrance of a legacy
Words capturing love, anger, awe, praise, despair, confinement
written in classrooms, coffee houses, bedrooms, basements
But overall, the life of these poems,
have been encased in a box with a glass screen and florescent bulb

December 8, 2006

Start of Something New

When it all began
I didn't know
it wouldn't stop

Like every pain before
I expected that
healing would start

Still I hold out
blindly hoping
for healing of the broken

Time kept moving on
in the blink of an eye
my childlike innocence
was gone

Why is this year so different
the pain more real
memories refreshed again?

All year we get ready
to celebrate Christ's birth
all year I dread
reliving a spirit's death

The past five years
have brought thousands
of unanswered questions
and inflicted many unhealed wounds
that fester in my body and soul

The urge to give up
to let it all go
is growing stronger each day
I don't know how else to find release

I don't want to simply
survive
I want to be in love with life again
Not just live but feel
alive

My wish this year
is to end the pain
and begin the start
of something new

December 8, 2006

Song of Praise

You know all my mistakes
You heal this broken heart
Still you choose to call me Child
Even when I fall apart

Chorus
So I'll sing a song of praise
and bring worship to your throne
For I know that you love me
and I am fearfully and wonderfully made

You have a plan for me
More than all my wildest dreams
I'll go where you lead me
Fulfilling promises of the past

Chorus
So I'll sing a song of praise
and bring worship to your throne
For I know that you made me
and I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Bridge
When the road gets tough
I need you here to
hold me in your arms
and I'll
Sing a song of praise
and bring worship to your throne
for I know that you made me
and I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Chorus (2x)

December 5, 2006
Completed December 19, 2006

Darkness and Light

I turn around and see

what I've become

The light is blinding

exposing all my faults;

cracks on the surface

that run deeper than I see

Afraid of my own portrait

I turn back

and let the darkness engulf me

back in a familiar place

listening to the lies

that are whispered

and screamed at me

Each insult chips away

at the stony exterior I'd built around myself

Ignoring the pain

I go deeper within my being

forcing the walls to crumble

and collapse

Knowing the promises of the light

I chose to stay in darkness

the light had let me down too often

or so it seemed

and I would rather be broken

by something I knew was made to destroy

Oh, curse this darkness!

Why can't I trust the light

let it cleanse and restore?

Unable to withstand the torture

I withdraw

try to find the cracks of light

that still seep through

the darkness

December 3,2006

Between Nowhere and Goodbye

The floodgates were opened
I found myself somewhere between
Nowhere and Goodbye
I let it all go
yet still fought for control
Torrents streamed down the planes of my face
a soggy sleeve stifled the sobs
The glass bottle has cracked
and as the pressure built up
everything held inside seeped out
Have I been emptied,
just to bottle everything up again?
"Make these broken weary bones
made to dance again
Wet this dry and thirsty land
with a river"
Exchange this river of tears
with a spring of praise

December 3, 2006

"" from Robin Mark's "Garments of Praise"

Apology To Self

I'm sorry
for every time I've made you cry
I didn't think my actions would have
such consequences
I'm sorry

I'm sorry
for not living up to your expectations
I didn't know you'd set the bar
so very high
I'm sorry

I'm sorry
for trying to be something else
I didn't know that who I was already
was enough
I'm sorry

I'm sorry
for expecting you to be better
I thought if you changed a bit
I'd be okay
I'm sorry

I'm sorry
for overdue apologies
I'll probably do this all again
I'm sorry

December 2, 2006

Meeting With The Gatekeeper

I walked up to the clerk's desk
May I help you?
he asked in a monotonous drone
I thought he must be tired
I need to find a very important date
Do you know the approximate time frame?
I'm not quite sure where to begin
I need to know the day I started to fade
Pardon me ma'am?
I know you probably think I'm crazy
but this is important information
which may prevent complete insanity
He gave me a look that said
"I think you're crazy already"
Can you pinpoint a place or season
that reminds you of when the change began?
It was about this time,
three or four years ago
A scene flashed before my eyes
startled, I jumped and blinked it away
Yes, I remember, there was snow
He began typing information
and I heard the computer come alive
Oh my, this is quite interesting indeed
What is it sir?
There is no easy way to say this
the time you gave me is right around the date
you died
Time stopped
What was he talking about?
I wasn't dead! I have friends, a job, a normal life!
You must be mistaken
No, ma'am, I typed in all your information
the database isn't wrong and can't be tampered with
I'm not dead! I see people everyday
I have conversations, eat, sleep and go about my life
If I'm dead, tell me how it happened?
He breathed, a sigh of annoyance it seemed
He typed and called up more information on the screen
You died of a broken spirit
which could explain the fading
You didn't see that you were dead, and chose to live on
but as time kept going, your features, your very self was becoming less noticeable
People don't think of you as much, it's been four years
The reason you still see yourself is there are a few who remember
I let the news sink in
memories came flooding back, nearly overwhelming my being
I remember that day now
it is more real to me than anything else
Snow had freshly fallen, giving a new layer to the already thick blanket
I can hear my family's voices as if they were in the room with us
Silence falls as the memories play out in my mind
Wrapping paper, opened boxes and a tree in the centre of the room
Smells of turkey, stuffing and potatoes cooking asail my senses
It's Christmas day
Yes, you're right
What else do you remember?
The lights dim, voices raise
an object flies across the room
Stop! I don't want to go back there!
You're almost there, just a few more thoughts and it's over
If only I knew the true impact of his words
Going back to that day I hear a door slam
A small girl is crying and holding her self in a tight ball
Somewhere in the distance, yet closer than I know
glass shatters
Darkness surrounds me
Opening my eyes and blinking against the light I find I'm on the floor
Are you ready now?
Ready? What happened?
Ma'am, I am the Gatekeeper
I've been waiting for you to come for a long while now
There is another who is waiting
Are you ready to meet Him?
I know why I've come
yes, I think I'm ready
I've been waiting too
The gates open and I'm ushered in by the Gatekeeper
Welcome Home Daughter!

December 1,2006